Weapons of mass destruction: a mascara wand and a tube card

Women - think carefully about your actions. They have consequences. And these consequences have the potential to resonate across the human race.

All it takes is a bit of care. Use your weapons carefully. They have the potential to protect you or backfire against you.

Enough of the rhetoric - I'm shooting from the hip. I'm talking about the senseless act of women applying their make-up on public transport. What a way to shatter the illusion!

A woman's beauty is based on illusion. The look of long eyelashes - thank you mascara. The appeal of golden brown skin- bring on St Tropez. And for plump, youthful lips - seek the ever helpful Anti-Freeze cream. These are just some of the secrets we keep under lock and key.

Did you ever see Cleopatra jump in the public pools for her milk bath, or a geisha girl stop to re-touch her face in the middle of the street?

No. Because most women, no matter what nationality, know that the art of beauty is making it look effortless. Men are meant to believe that we simply wake up looking like this. And for the most part, there's a secret joy women experience in convincing men of this.

So why must some women carelessly destroy what other women have taken such care and skill to conceal from men? It's an art-form in itself, let alone the art of painting one's face.

With one wave of a mascara wand on any form of public transport, and a woman has single-handedly brought down everything that is sacred.

And can I just say that I've never seen an uglier sight than a woman squinting into a hand mirror, hand shaking, mouth open to ridiculously apply a dubious line underneath her eye. I mean, have you ever heard of a woman being picked up when applying her make-up on the tube!?!

Forget about saving time and think about your fellow woman first. Consider what weapon of choice you want to use and when. Think peace, not public transport.

I'm blogged up

As this is a new hobby, I thought I would go about doing some research on blogs.

There's a lot of there. A lot of people have a lot to say about people just 'saying stuff' on the net. In particular, it seems, there's more about what not to do, than what to do.

And that's why I'm blogged up! I have a blockage. And not to fear, it is not of the physical kind, but more of the mental kind. How can you be spontaneous when you have a mile-long, mental list of things you just shouldn't do? And if you accidentally commit a blogging crime, your punishment is embarrassment and shame that spreads beyond your existence in cyberspace!

How can I be myself? Or, how can I be who I want to be (let's face it that's the major benefit of personal expression on the net)?

You can't. Not when you have the echoes of the 'no police' invading your thoughts while you tap away.

Maybe I'm being precious. After all, I like words but I like freedom of expression even more.

Is a root vegetable in or out this season?

Sadly there's an unforgivable trend sweeping the country. It's fashion at its worst and its kidnapped the innocent and unassuming, suburban fruit and vegetable aisle.

Don't get me wrong - I love my greens. But I just want to be able to eat them, without feeling like a fashion victim.

Last year's rocket sits there on the shelves knowing its time being 'in' is definitely over. Only the 'retro season' can bring it back to its former glory. And right beside the 'has been' rocket sits the flavour of the month, the 'in thing' - meet watercress. Even Jamie Oliver can't get enough.

What's a girl to do, when failing to keep up with the latest in shoes, she must now follow the seasonal trends of fruit and vegetables.

No woman, no cry

What a strange world we live in!

There once was a time when a woman could dramatically fall to the floor in a flood of tears. The dashing man would rescue his damsel in distress. And that was the end to a wonderful and alluring display of femininity.

It's enough to make you all warm and fuzzy, right?

My how the times have changed. Now, we see a woman - her body taut, her jaw set. She quickly scurries off to the office toilet cubicle to silently cry. There is no dashing man to come to her aid. Rather, a constant whirring of an over-worked air-conditioner to comfort her.

No woman, no cry. That's the mantra a lot of women carry as soon as their heels hit the office decks. It's a man's world still. And to let loose a raw emotion or shed a tear is a dangerous walk down the planks. It's professional suicide.

'You want to have a cry? Well do it on someone else's watch!'

And you're probably thinking this little upstart lesbo-nazi feminist here is taking a few swings. But you know what? It's not just men that are making women walk the plank - sadly, it's women too.

While men out there are taking the plunge and crying over things other than football matches, women are holding it in. The tides have changed. It's women who are telling other women not to cry. It's women who are encouraging other women to 'show no fear'. And it's women who look down and criticize the emotions and tears of another woman.

And what a shame. We've conquered so much but without the emotion and tears of joy to express it - what does it really mean?

Pretentiousness or an economical use of space?

...That is the question.

I'm speaking about the use of one letter as a substitute for a person's signature at the end of an email.

So instead of a friendly 'Claire', it becomes a stark 'C'. And it glares at me from the bottom of the hotmail window. Despite how warm or glowing the correspondence makes me feel -- when ended so abruptly me, I'm left empty and barren.

Is it pretentiousness that drives a person to opt for one letter? Are they thinking 'I'm so busy I don't have the time to tell you who I am'? Or do they think they own that letter - for example, no other names start with C? So in their world a Chantelle, a Charlotte or a Charlize doesn't exist.

Or are they grabbing onto the latest market jargon of being 'time poor, cash rich' folk? It could be that they are merely exercising this fact of being 'time poor'. It is the economical use of spelling their name with just one letter that regains some precious time. But is it really worth it if your name is Will?

Now, I'm kind of guessing that I will receive a few angry responses. Because a lot of people out there do it.

Some days it's good to be controversial.

Why hold in a sneeze?

...For years I've struggled to answer this question.

I've seen all kinds of people commit this unnatural act -- from bold business men to savvy secretaries. Even cheerful children, who should be free from these cruel forms of social conditioning, have held in their sneezes.

And for what?

Is there a feeling or a pleasant sensation that occurs after one has restrained themselves? Are you looked upon more favourably for your ability to not sneeze?

I can't see there being any obvious advantages to holding in the sneeze. Because remember that urban myth - seven sneezes and you're guaranteed an earth-moving orgasm.

So go for it - let it rip. You might just be one step closer to feeling truly orgasmic!